Looking back

This summer is over pretty much. September is around the corner!
A little thoughts and things about this summer then.

I had hopes in going to TX

I met a cool person who became my really good friend

I found out I am not getting a VISA for USA

I was confused for a while about everything 

I wept and was sad for a long time, still get sad sometimes

I realized that something is wrong in my life, God has been left in the background

I did have lots of fun with an awesome team from Bryan

I got to visit new place: Haapsalu

Got an opportunity to take some classes starting in Autum

Possible new job in January

Have been babysitting more for Jones family and Israel family

I get to go to a wedding this Sunday and do kids program with my dear Kairi

I haven't figured out me and God, where we stand

Everything here sounds like me,me, me!! Well I thought today and this is not about me. I should be making God known but instead I am being just me and trying to make things work with my power and with my own will. I think it's not going to happen and even though I reallly miss TX and I am not sure when I get to go back, I have learned that if I try my best and do everything with my power then things are never going to work out right. God has to be the superhero and has to do all the power stuff, not me. I have to become weak and let God work in me and through me. So now with this new season of Autum I have to become weak and let God in. Really stop trying to be the boss. I am not a boss. I am a tool and in order to be useful I have to let the master use me. The Toolguy of toolguys.
AND when I get sad and start asking questions like why couldn't I go and why I have to be here and be still and why cant I already ride the Horse to the world and resque. 

Then I have to really stay still and remember. I am not going to resque anyone not me. GOD will do that through me and in order to let the world know about JEsus. I have to know JEsus. And I believe right now is my time to rise up again and lean on my God. Trust Him fully and not to question or doubt in Him. I should start getting to know the real him. The God who thought about Me when he created me and who made plans for the life when I wasn't even existing.
I want everything I do to be reflecting back on Him. Whenever people look at me they see Jesus, not me. I dont want to be in the middle of the attention. I know I do.. but I can't be that person anymore. I can't compare myself with others. I can't look back at people and discuss how they look in my mind. This me has to come to an end.

God please put an end to me. I want to be dead and I want you to come alive in me. Please God don't leave me aside. Please pick me up and use me. Make me usable. I want to know you so bad. And not just only for 6months I want to know you everyday until the end of my life. God I am tired of going up and down constantly. I want to improve in you. I know I will have bad days and I will be sad sometimes, but if possible make it to an end. I desire to be a Godly woman. I want to love you with all my heart, my mind, my soul and my body. God teach me how to be this person. I want to be shaped the way you really have thought I should be. MAke me new . Jesus be my best friend and remind me when I start looking for a best friend in this world. Only you can be THE best friend. Someone I really should look up to. Always. Help me Jesus.
I want to be on your team. ANd really say that I LOVE YOU. ANd feel it.Know it.Live it.

Aamen.

   

Christian t-shirts by JCLU Forever

  “Christian T shirts made by three girls who Love Jesus for girls who Love Jesus. Our shirts are designed to be tools for evangelism. JCLU T shirts have simple faith based statements while being fun and fashionable”.




I love this page. I am so happy that there are people out there who share the gospel in such a cool way. I hope this will be encouraging for others and maybe you will be able to get a T-shirt to yourself or to your friend as well!! I think it would make girls totally happy and you have a good selection of awesome T-shirts and some other stuff.

For me personally it was a big deal to buy a shirt with a strong message on it and show it to the world (by that I mean my hometown). But I love mine. It is so cute, comfy and has a meaning! Enjoy :)

' 

This is what I bought and I just love it




Something I wanted to share with all of you today. We should have more of this.. like that pullover..and other stuff glorifing Jesus . Maybe someday here in Estonia we will have that kind of a cool store.. kinda like Scripture Haven .
For sure it was one of the coolest stores I visited in Texas. So one day we are able to have such a cool store in the middle of our town where people can witness Jesus in the middle of our normal shopping center where usually you would not see a Christian store!! My city needs to know more about JEsus.

Have a nice Sunday.

Year ago.

   This is my first post in english. I have no idea why I didnt do this earlier, but let's give it a try.


It's been two years since I used blogger. It feels so weird to start using this again but I have to start writing whats going on. I feel like this is a good way to express how I feel and what I am dealing with. I'm not a writer but I will be honest and hopefully everything will be from my heart.
Oh wow I have so many things I gotta tell you. everything that has happened with this last year in my life.
I will start from last summer because that time really did something to me. God really blessed me and suprised me.
So I finished school last summer and 6months before my school was over my papa ( some of you don't know but I have a grandfather  sent from God - a Big Blessing in my life) told me that he would like to invite me to the Sates after I graduate. Well this was a BIG news and something unexpected... totally. Well so he started talking about it more and told me how he want me to see FBC Bryan where he is from and also give me a chance to see my friends and just have an awesome summer in Texas. I really didn't have faith in all of this because this felt so unreal. I had been dreaming of this since I was young. I talked to Taivo about it, he is like my brother and we I told him about everything and we started talking.. We both actually have been dreaming about going to the States almost 6years.. Wow... So durind that time I was afraid if this will come true or not. But still deep down I was just so excited and flying up in the sky with all those emotions, feelings and more that I couln't even express with people. Only thing I could really show was hope that this will come true.
I was thankful for God even hearing about this opportunity . And I just shared my joy with the youth and really prayed about this a lot. Prayed that if God really has this planned for me then I would not step back.
      So months passed and it was getting closer to summer. I think during spring time me and Beth applied for ESTA that would let me enter USA up to 90 days. I was so nervous about all of this but so happy that Beth who is sooo organized with documents and important stuff helped me out on this one. We filled it out and I crossed my fingers that everything will be good now and I just have to wait for summer to come. By that time I already knew that I HAVE TICKETS not really in my hands but I had them. Ralph had them. SUmmer came and it was time to graduate. All those months I really didnt think about a lot.. mostly what it will be like over the ocean. I graduated and was proud of myself. My exams went well and I was just so excited.
   Like any other summer, Salem had youth camp coming up. Something really awesome we have. People from TX come to serve and share their 2 weeks with people mostly they don't know. There are some old fishes who come every year but half of the team always changes. This time everything was different-I knew that these are the people I'm going back with... FIRST time something like this happens I think.. Mostly we send them off with Big tears in our eyes.
Everything was about to change. After camp and all that fun we had with the team it was time to go... go to THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!!!!  I still remermber that night I had already said goodbye to my family and my dad had gave me his precious camera that I loved. I wasn't so good at taking pictures with it but I didn't care. So the night came and we went on a but. Ohh I forgot to tell you that Marko Aarna.. he was also one who got this present. Me and him we were SO ready to go. Everyone else was sad.. we weren't ... I remember how people said goodbye and shared some tears.. I felt like I was about to do something totally out of my mind.. So..... we were on the bus in the middle of the night it was like 3AM and we started our journey. All of that traveling... I was just SUPER excited all the time I couldn't even sleep normally. Even during all of that flying .. I just couldn't . We almost lost some of the team members in Germany because of some misunderstanding between some airport workers and the team members.. But everything went well and they got on a flight. People were nervous but I .. I think I was just totally... So hard to even put into words but people who have had their first looooooong flight to somewhere they have always wanted to go..they'll understand what I mean..I hope.

                                                                                   So my time in Texas!
                                                                                    Some lovely people had came to say Welcome with their cute balloons and Big smiles on their faces. SO sweet!!!
And When we got out of the airport we got this moist warmer then warm air waiting us with sign: Welcome to Texas!! Place where you have Sauna outside.                                                                

I saw the church. It is just huge. I've never seen church this big. All of this what I saw it just amazed me every time.  First Baptist Bryan is the name of this church. And yes Everything is Bigger in Texas. This dreamland.. Aggieland and all of those students. You can kinda compare it to Tartu. If there would be no students then it would be much more of a quiet city.
SO.. all the adventure. During my time awesome people from the church and also from different states thanks to this awesome camp I got to participate in . This month and a half I had felt like home. I got to meet German kids who came to visit Bryan as well. I made some good friends who I now miss. I had a fantastic time with my TX friends who shared their culture, food, places. Living with Papa was just wonderful and he made everything home to me. I love his truck.. I even got to see where he works and help out with stuff. I had the best time with him and during that trip I saw my love growing for my wonderful papa. Just the feeling to do the most basic things there.. like going to Walmart..shopping or going by church every morning just to get some ice and seeing Ronny Jones working early in the morning and talk to him a bit.. felt so right and so natural. I have to tell you about the old people I met. Ohh Wow!! They rock.. How awesome they are and how friendly and actually talking to you and asking about your life. I got to serve every week when they had Wednesday dinner. We were selling tickets and seeing them coming in and hearing them talk made me smile every single time. I just wish more of the youth would attend those events. Food is Delicious, people are nice and you get to have dinner with a Big family!!  Church people really made me smile.. they made me feel so loved. I am thankful to God for those people.
Everything was GOOD!! I got to spend a week in Mississippi camp. I think one of the coolest things I did while visiting USA. This is what really made me think about the future and what I would love to do but it is now up to God if He wants me to do.
 So trying to say shortly what happened in Mississippi: We went to this camp with FBC youth and this camp was for students from different states. I had the chance to choose what I would like to do for a mission field and I got kids. So every morning when we had camp morning time we went to our teams and got to study bible and share our thoughts and get to know each other. I had an awesome team and I had even two German kids who went to this camp with FBC Bryan. So we did biblestudy with them and we got prepared for the mission field. We went to our field for 3h every day. We got to organize different activities for kids in different age groups.. We actually were splid up into a smaller group about 4 people and we got our own age group.. ours was 10-12 years old. we had to prepare biblestudy, games, grafts, music and free time. Every team had the same biblestory so all the kids got the same story every day but in age groups. We had so much fun with those kids. I was responsible of music and I got to share estonian circle song called Kes aias. Song about bees basically getting to know the names song. Fun. During our free time we had a chance to talk to them and be around with them and maybe bond in a different level. It was amazing because we got to share Bible verses with them assuring them that God is Real. We prayed for our kids every morning and God really changed lives. One girl particularly. She was so against us being there and spending time. But we praied and I believe her heart was changed. She listened to our stories after that and asked questions and she really wanted to know more about Jesus and he Heavenly Father.
I made some special friends while I was with the kids and I got myself a little brother. So basically these kids who come there are from homes where parents have to work a lot and the kids are often playing outside and not always doing good stuff. This place ..is for them to come and be in a safe environment and where people get to show lots of love. We had a rule not to pick up the children or hold them because of their rules and just for the safety of the kids and the people who work there. I wanted to hold them all the time. But it was possible to do that while sitting. So I got to hold one girl. SHe was a princess. Her attitude and everything.
  Anyways I tell you about this because this ment a lot to me. It was one of the best weeks ever. And it made me really feel like this is something I would love to do in the future. I had a connection with those kids and they have a piece of my heart.
To think about it now a year later it brings me tears and joy. I hope the best for them and I am so blessed to know them and pray for them and I will never forget those kids I met.
Even though not everything is awesome with God I still have joy in Him when I think about the people I met. Last summer was the best Summer I have had and I pray that if this desire I have is something I can do good with then I would know for sure. If this is what I am called to do.. care for the lost ones, give my time to kids who need someone to remind them God's love and help them to seek for Him and be friends with Jesus, then I will be more then Blessed to do so.
I thought I will teach them a lot but truly I learned more then I expected!!
This camp changed my heart!!!

But I did have tons of fun in TX and I got to spend time with people who have special needs. I got to see american roller coasters.. I got to see how money is made. I got to taste real good Bluebell icecream, frozen joghurt. Saw some awesome shops, selling everything you can basically dream of. A lot of worldy stuff but also one of my favourite places Scripture Haven. Store where you can buy what your soul really needs. Books about God!!!!   I enjoyed biblestudy with highschool students. I saw people searching His word and really wanting to be changed. I got to share stories and hear people stories. I was in a multicultural environment every day. I saw how people struggle with rassism even now, today in this nice town called Bryan. it made my heart sad especially after this amazing camp with colorful people. But I also got to enjoy the sun and the beach and people and God. I had an awesome time with God and awesome time learning. I did more then I would ever imagine myself doing there.

After I left TX I truly felt like half of me was left behind. What made it harder to leave was on that day, it was Sunday so I would have enjoyed last service more but my flight was leaving in the morning while church was taking place but something went wrong with getting the time right I was supposed to leave. So when Papa left me to catch my flight me already trying hard to keep my tears back I got to my gate and people around me were Asian.. I was suprised how many Asian people are flying to Germany but it turned out that those people went to China instead and I was told my I have 7h before my flight. 7Hours !!!! So I had to wait..and wait.. walk around and wait.. see people leaving and then again..wait. It made my leaving so hard.. I did cry.. whenever people didn't really see me.. But for first time flying alone and changing flights I did goood. I was so proud of myself. But whenever I was in Estonia and ready to land.. I wasn't ready to get off the plain. I was in  shock when arriving Tallinn Airport.. My cloud of sadness was all over me.. My dad was there waiting for me but I really didn't want to even hug him.. I just felt terrible.. I didn't want to talk to anyone for days. I even asked Beth to give me keys for her apartment because she was in Texas. SUmmer 2010, God showed me how He can work in people and through them. I was touched by different cultures and have now a bigger desire to go to different nations. I enjoyed my every moment there.

A LOT has been written down but I feel like there could be a lot more to say..It is just hard to put it into words and find the right words to describe what I felt and how God worked in me.
Let's say that I was filled with God's love and grace the entire time!

Liis

Isadepäev

Täna peaks olema kõige lahedam päev üldse - Isadepäev. Samas olen ma üks õnnetumaid siin toas. Igalpool mu ümber on mured. Kohutav täielikult. Ma mõtlesin, et peaks kõik kirja panema, mida ma tunnen, samas pole seda julgust. Ma ei taha oma sõnadega kellelegi ka ahiget teha, aga kuhu veel siis kirja panna. See blogi võiks olla samahästi nagu mu isiklik päevik.

Kõigepealt täna hommikul.. Pidime Bethiga minema pühapäeva kooli jaoks paberit ostma. Leppisime kokku, et saame kell kümme poe ees kokku, et uste avades kohe sisse tormata. Hommikul kodus ma ei teinud põhiliselt mitte midagi aga mu ajakasutus on lihtsalt nii kehv, et pidin kodust välja lausa tormama, mul oli 10 min aega, et jõuda kesklinna. Tavaliselt kõnniks sinna vähemalt 15 min. Mul aga ÕNNESTUS 10 min jõuda kaubahalli juurde, mis mind täitsa pahviks lõi. Nii ajaliselt kui füüsiliselt, ma olin täitsa väsinud peale seda suurt kõndimist. Ootasin siis ukse ees Bethi, kes tavaliselt kunagi ei hiline. Käisin vahepeal sees, tulin välja, teda ikka ei olnud. Otsustasin siis asjad ise ära osta, sest kell oli nii palju.. nõme asi on ju see ka, et ma ei saanud helistada talle. Ma ei olnud üldse pahane kui ma pidin teda ootama. Ma ei oska olla väga pahane kui keegi hilineb.. ausalt kohe. Salemisse jõudes ei olnud Bethi ikka veel seal. Ma mõtlesin, et helistan isa pealt kui ta kirikusse jõuab, aga teda ei tulnud ka teenistuse alguseks.
Kui ma pidin hakkama pühapäevakooli tegema, oli kõik normaalne, mulle meeldib lastega suhelda ja ma ei pea kartma, et ma ütlen midagi valesti või ei oska üldse midagi öelda. Täna aga tegime lipsu oma isadele ja hakkasin kõigile seletama kuidas see käib ise unustasin täitsa ära, et kõigil ei pruugigi isa üldse olla. Ma küsisin laste käest, et kas kõigil on isa või keegi, kellele seda lipsukest pärast kinkida. Tuli välja, et ühel poisil ei olegi isa.. see ehmatas mind ära, sest kuna mul on isa, arvasin, et ka teistel on, aga tihti see ei ole nii.. mul oli veidike halb tunne ka sellepärast, et ma sellele poisile piinlikust võisin valmistada. See poiss on hüperaktiivne ja kannatab tähelepanupuudulikuse all. Seda oli kohe näha, kui ta lärmates klassi tuli. Samas oli ta armas .
Kui kõigil siis lipsud valmis said ja mina seda segadust koristama jäin, tuli mu isa klassiruumi juurde. Rõõmus nägu peas, ütles mulle:"nohh oledki siin"!
Kui ma edasi koristasin võttis ta kohe loomulikult oma kaamera välja ja tahtis must pilti teha. Mind see ärritab igakord natukene kui ta tahab pildistada, ma isegi ei tea miks aga kui just tema minust pilti teeb, siis ma ei saa sinna midagi parata, üks nõmeduse uss tuleb minust kohe välja. ( kõlab nagu lasteraamatust )
Sellega kohe läks tuju allapoole.. Issi ka muutus tusaseks, et ma pilti ei lubanud teha endast.. mul on sellepärast kahju ka, sest sealt juba läks mu tänane päev vussi.
Edasi hakkasid tulema igast nõmedad jutud: küsisin, et kas mu õele ka issi helistab ja kohe vastas ta, et ma ei tea, ei julge helistada, sest ta magab nii kaua ja siis on jälle torisev ja ütleb, et miks üles ajasid jne.. Sa ei saa ju sinna parata kui sa oled nii unes ja siis ükskõik kes sulle helistab, ajab su ülesse kõige magusama une ajal.. Noo kui helistaks kooli direktor, siis sa muidugi hoiaksid ennast vaos, aga kui on su oma isa, ei kehti see refleks kohe üldse.. Kahju, aga nii see on juba..peaks hakkama seda lihvima, aga kui vaid igakord see meeles oleks !

Noo ja edasi ma ei mäletagi kõike, millest me rääkisime aga issi arvamus jäi selliseks, et mul on paha tuju ja ma olen kellegagi raksus.. ma lihtsalt sain pahaseks, et ta minust pilti üritas teha. Ta teeb nii tobedalt pilti, et ennast vaatama jäädes hiljem tekivad süümekad ja enesekriitika võtab võimust !
Koju kõndides tuli meil veel mitu nõmedat jutuajamist seoses elu ja kõige halvaga. Igakord kui hakatakse pereasjadest rääkima ei suuuda ma kohe üldse rõõmsaks jääda. See lõhub mind nii palju, et varsti ei jäägi minust midagi järele. Teel koju mõtlesin isegi, et miks just mina saan endale sellise elu, kus on nii palju probleeme kõikvõimalikuga. Kõlab nii egolt, ma tean.. aga sellisel hetkel ei saa sa muudmoodi mõelda, ausalt kohe. Ma annaks nii palju, et muuta esiteks juba oma mõtlemisviisi. Sest kindlasti on see üks põhjusi, miks ma alati nii kurvaks muutun. Sest tegelikult saaks asjadest, ka kurbadest ja nõmedatest pereasjadest rääkida ilma, et ma eriti nõmedasse masekasse langeks..Mul on vaja mingit šokiteraapiat, et mu suhtumist kõigesse halba muuta. Kindlasti on olemas muu viis kuidas seda kõike lahendada.. seda kõike, mis mu peres toimub.
Kodus tuli kohe veel hullem tunne.. Kolimisest on mingi.. hmm 3 kuud möödas ja meil pole ikkka veel kõik täielikult korda saanud ja selle 3 kuu möödudes on mul nii suuur tung välja kolida. Ausalt kohe ma üldse ei taha siin elada, siin justkui ei ole asjad nii hullud, aga igakord kui keegi hakkab neid miinuseid puudutama tuleb neid nii palju, et lõppu polegi. See muudab kõik nii friiking raskeks. Mul on lihtsalt nii palju mõtteid peas, et ei jõua kõike isegi kirja siia panna. Ma üritan võimalikult loogiliselt kirjutada, kuigi tihti loogika mu elus puudub absoluutselt. Loogiliselt peaksin ma olema maailma õnnelikum laps, mul on isa, kodu, ema, Jumal jne.. aaga ei.. alati leian ma asju, mille üle nutta või nukrutseda. Jestas küll. Tundub nagu ma oleks mingi emo, aga ma ei ole, usu mind !!
Okeei.. Kõik ei saa ju nii sünge olla.
Sest samuti mõtlesin ma täna, et ma armastan Salemi kirikut niiii palju, see on täielikult mulle koduks saanud. Ma ei oskaks olla ilma Salemita ja nende inimesteta, kes seal on. Kui sa oled nende lähedal, siis ei tundu Jumalgi niipalju kaugemal sinust. Pluss kõik see tark ja hea, mida nad suust välja ajavad ! :)
Eile olime Alfa väljasõidul kaasas söögi tegemisel ja ma kuulasin Maxi juttu sellest, et kuidas ma saan oma usus kindel olla.. Ma ei mäleta otseselt, kas see oli Mäx või Toivo(järgmise päeva rääkija), kes ütles, et ega Jumalat ei tunne ma kindlasti mitte siis, kui ma pole nõus ise sammugi tegema. SEE oli täielikult pomm minu suunas !! Ma tihti tahan Jumalat tunda, aga ise ei tee midagi umbes, et : Jumal ma tahan sind tunda, niiet tule sina, aga mina ei tule !!!
Nii ei sa..
sellised on need õiged ja targad jutud mida Salemis räägitakse..

Ma kasvõi koliks sinna, et Jumalale lähemal olla.. tõesti teeks seda..
mõtlesin täna kodus kõvasti selle üle, et varsti ei suuda ma siin kodus olla, et tahaks ära kolida, aga kuskile pole minna, ma olen nagu mustas augus, seejärel ütles mu isa tegelikult midagi väga õiget mulle..
Pole midagi, mis mind siin kinni hoiaks, kõige lihtsam on tegelikult minna, lähedki nii nagu mu õdegi läks.. Täiega õige. Aga ma tean, et mind jääks vaevama see, et ma tegin natukene ülekohut ka ema suhtes !!

Nii palju mõtteid.
Palju kergem hakkab, kui ma pooledki siia kirja saan pandud. Tuju läheb ka paremaks kohe ja kõik ei tundu nii halb enam ! Ma annaks palju, et see tunne ei jääks ainult tundeks, et see muutuks ka nii !!
Okei ma ei saa olla karm täna, kurb ka mitte, sest täna on isadepäev ja isegi kui ma isaga koos ei ela, on ta kallis ikka. Temale natukene võiks ju naeratada ja näidata, et ta on siia oodatud, muidu ta ei taha üldse enam siia tulla !
ja sina ka, kui sul ei olegi isa, siis üks isa sul on- see on isa Taevas.
Seda ütlesin ka poisile, kes oli pühapäevakoolis ja kellel pole reaalset isa
:)
Tsauka

Esimene sissekanne

No Tere. Mõtlesin, et hakkan ka siis oma mõtteid siia panema. Ma ei oota, et keegi neid loeks, need on lihtsalt minu mõtted. Ma ei jõua vist palju kirjutada, sest ma olen haigeks jäänud ja jõin just Fervexit, mis pidavat uniseks tegema. Ma ütlen veel selle kohapealt niipalju, et lugege ENNE ravimi annustamist kindlasti seda infolehte, mis seal paki sees on, ma tean, et tegelt ei viitsita seda väga lugeda, mina ka seda ei teinud. Tulemus : ma võtsin enne fervexi jooki ühe palaviku vastase rohu ja pärast kui olin juba selle joogi peaaegu ära joonud lugesin, et ei tohi fervexit ja mistahes muud rohtu koos annustada, suht sakk :S No ma loodan, et üledoosi ei saa nüüd !
Aga midagi siis minu mõtetest ka. Tegelt mu peas vist ei ole väga mõtteid hetkel, enne mõtlesin, et ohh nüüd olen haige, saan korralikult mõnda head raamatut lugeda, mul sahtlis neid nii palju, aga lugeda kuidagi ei jaksa. See ananks nii palju minu suhtele Jumalaga juurde... Say Whaaat? Suhe Jumalaga ? Jep, kui keegi veel ei teadnud, siis ma teen avalikuks siin blogiski, et ma olen ristitud Tartu Salemi Baptistikogudusse ja olen väikesest peale uskunud, et on üks tore vanamees, keda kutsutakse Jumalaks. Haa .. tegelt ma ei tea, kas Ta on vana, ma ei usu, Ta on nii kõikvõimas, et Ta peab olema enamat kui mees pilvepealt. Ma olen ta enda jaoks mõelnud kui Isa, kes on igalpool, kus minagi ja enamgi veel. Ma usun, et see on ka tõde. Aga hetkel, mul on veidikene raske mõelda, et ta on seal kus minagi ja enamgi veel. Vaadake, inimestel on raske uskuda inimestesse või näiteks suurtesse asjadesse, mida nad kas siis oma silmaga ei näe või ei koge või ei tunne, mul on hetkel selline periood, et ma ei tunne, et Jumal oleks siin minu juures.. Mu sõbranna ütles, et hetkel võib olla selline kurb periood, kus ma ei tunnetagi tema ligiolu ja mind pannakse nö. proovile, et kas ma suudan ka siis Jumalasse uskuda, kui ma teda ei tunneta.

No ma loodan, et see teid ära ei ehmata, sest kui ma poleks elusees Jumalast kuulnud ja nüüd korraga kuulen, kuidas keegi kirjutab, et ta on olemas ja samas raskesti usub temasse, siis see peaneks mind küll vist mõtlema, et temaga pole kõik korras, mida ta piinab ennast selle teadmatusega..

Aga asi on nii, et ma võiksin igakell hakata elama nii nagu ma seda tegin varem, aga ma lihtsalt ei saa, ei taha ja ei tohi. Mõned, kes teavad ka minu seikluste kohta sellest ajast, kui ma olin täiesti võõrdunud kirkust ja mul olid muud mõtted ja huvid, need teavad öelda, milline ma olin. Ma vist käisin pea iga nv pidudel, valetasin vanematele raha saamiseks ja mu õppeedukus oli suht maas, see ei huvitanud mind üldse. Lisaks sellele ma ei sallinud oma vanemaid peaaegu üldse. Ma isegi natukene häbenesin neid. Pluss see, et ma olin igal peol peaaegu maani täis ja järgmisel päeval ei mäletanud ma eelmisest õhtust peaaegu mitte midagi.Sellised olid mu nv ja mulle meeldis see, sest ma sain ennast siis nö. vabaks lasta ja teha seda, mida tahtsin. Ma võin öelda ka, et mul oli väga palju poisse, kellega ma ringi semmisin, niipalju sain ma nende pärast haiget. Kui kellestki lahku läksin, siis igakord mõtlesin, et nüüd ma jäin oma eluarmastusest ilma. Mulle meeldis see elu, tõesti meeldis ja ma ei oleks elusees kujutanud ette, et kunagi, ühel päeval ma loobun nendest metsikutest pidudest ja tantsupidudest ja koolist puudumistest ja suhetest mitmete poistega..hakkan siis rahulikuks ja hakkan väärtustama suhet Jumalaga, mitte mõne poisikesega.

Ohh sellest kõigest võiksin ma niiii palju siia kirja panna, aga ruumi jääks puudu. Igatahes selle jutu point oli see, et kes tõesti hoolib minust, ei taha, et ma elaksin samamoodi nagu ma olin varem elanud. Inimesed, kes tõesti tunnevad mind, ma võiks öelda, et neid ei ole just palju aga no need kes tõesti teavad mu mõlemat poolt.. metsikut Liisut ja siis seda rahulikku Liisut, ma usun, et nemad kohe kindlasti eelistaksid seda rahulikumat Liisut, ma vähemalt looooodan, südamest kohe. Sest mina eelistan seda rahulikku Liisut.
Sellepärast ma ei tahagi enam kunagi pöörata selga Jumalale ja kõigele sellele, mis mul hetkel on. Seda alati ei ole palju ja alati pole kõik lilleline ja värviline, aga vähemalt ma tean, et mul on tõelised sõbrad, kes mind võtavad nii nagu ma olen, samuti mul on Kõigekõrgem Isa, kes armastab mind just sellisena nagu ma olen, vahel tusane, vahel vihane, vahest rõõmus,mõnikord hell,vahel hooliv, vahest uppund pisaratesse, vahel loll nagu lauajalg, mõnikord õel, mõnikord kahepalgeline, mõnikord ka siiras ja aus, oi seda kõike on veel ja veel, aga noh mõte on see, et ükskõik milline ma ka poleks, kui ükski inimene ei salli mind, siis Jumal kindlasti teeb seda.
Ja miks peaks olema halb uskuda Jumalasse, selles ei ole mitte midagi halba, mu elu ei saa muutuda lootusetumaks nagu see varem oli, samuti pole selles ju midagi halba. Sest parem ma üritan oma elu korda seada ja selgemaks muuta, kui tapan enda ajurakke igal võimalikul viisil, olen õnnetu kõigi nende suhete pärast, mis mul on luhta läinud..
(nüüd vist on õige aeg taibata, et mu varajane elu=suhted=masendus)

Ma nii tahaksin, et mul oleks suuresti jagada armastust teiste inimestega. Andke andeks need inimesed, kellele ma haiget olen teinud või keda ma pole väärtustanud piisavalt või kellest ma pole hoolinud nii nagu ma peaksin ja võiksin.
Ma lihtsalt vahest tunnen, et ma olen kõigest tüdinenud, ma ei jõua enam üldse pingutada. Ja kui ma ei pinguta, siis näen, et kui ma ei pinguta, siis on mu elu nagu must auk, kuskile pole liikuda ja täiesti lootusetu olukord. Ma tean, et ma olen laisk ja lohakas aga vähemalt on mul üks asi selge, et täiesti lootusetu ma kaa nüüd ei ole.
See on ka kindel, et isegi kui ma ei suuda palju aega veeta Jumalaga, siis olen kuulnud, et isegi ohe on vestlus Jumalaga. Õnneks vist.. on mul neid ohkeid päeva jooksul palju, niiet see on selge, täiesti unarusse ma seda suhet pole jätnud.
Kuid tegelt ilma naljata..
Ma pean leidma taas need asjad ja teod ja kõik, mille pärast ma üldse kunagi hakkasin piiblit lugema ja Jumala kohta rohkem uurima. Samuti, miks ma nii väga tahtsin Temaga aega veeta.
Ma tahan olla nagu armunudki, kes armudes ei suuda millelegi muule mõelda ja tahavad üksteisega KOGUAEG koos olla. Ma tahan ka Jumalat nii armastada, nagu inimesed üksteist on armastanud.

Ma loodan, et miski ei jäänud teile arusaamatuks, minu esimene sissekanne tuli küll nüüd suure pauguga, aga vähemalt ma tegin seda, kirjutasin asju, mis mul südamel on olnud.
Ma kirjutaksin veel, aga midagi peab ju ka järgmiseks päevaks jääma :)
Tsau.