Looking back

This summer is over pretty much. September is around the corner!
A little thoughts and things about this summer then.

I had hopes in going to TX

I met a cool person who became my really good friend

I found out I am not getting a VISA for USA

I was confused for a while about everything 

I wept and was sad for a long time, still get sad sometimes

I realized that something is wrong in my life, God has been left in the background

I did have lots of fun with an awesome team from Bryan

I got to visit new place: Haapsalu

Got an opportunity to take some classes starting in Autum

Possible new job in January

Have been babysitting more for Jones family and Israel family

I get to go to a wedding this Sunday and do kids program with my dear Kairi

I haven't figured out me and God, where we stand

Everything here sounds like me,me, me!! Well I thought today and this is not about me. I should be making God known but instead I am being just me and trying to make things work with my power and with my own will. I think it's not going to happen and even though I reallly miss TX and I am not sure when I get to go back, I have learned that if I try my best and do everything with my power then things are never going to work out right. God has to be the superhero and has to do all the power stuff, not me. I have to become weak and let God work in me and through me. So now with this new season of Autum I have to become weak and let God in. Really stop trying to be the boss. I am not a boss. I am a tool and in order to be useful I have to let the master use me. The Toolguy of toolguys.
AND when I get sad and start asking questions like why couldn't I go and why I have to be here and be still and why cant I already ride the Horse to the world and resque. 

Then I have to really stay still and remember. I am not going to resque anyone not me. GOD will do that through me and in order to let the world know about JEsus. I have to know JEsus. And I believe right now is my time to rise up again and lean on my God. Trust Him fully and not to question or doubt in Him. I should start getting to know the real him. The God who thought about Me when he created me and who made plans for the life when I wasn't even existing.
I want everything I do to be reflecting back on Him. Whenever people look at me they see Jesus, not me. I dont want to be in the middle of the attention. I know I do.. but I can't be that person anymore. I can't compare myself with others. I can't look back at people and discuss how they look in my mind. This me has to come to an end.

God please put an end to me. I want to be dead and I want you to come alive in me. Please God don't leave me aside. Please pick me up and use me. Make me usable. I want to know you so bad. And not just only for 6months I want to know you everyday until the end of my life. God I am tired of going up and down constantly. I want to improve in you. I know I will have bad days and I will be sad sometimes, but if possible make it to an end. I desire to be a Godly woman. I want to love you with all my heart, my mind, my soul and my body. God teach me how to be this person. I want to be shaped the way you really have thought I should be. MAke me new . Jesus be my best friend and remind me when I start looking for a best friend in this world. Only you can be THE best friend. Someone I really should look up to. Always. Help me Jesus.
I want to be on your team. ANd really say that I LOVE YOU. ANd feel it.Know it.Live it.

Aamen.